Saving Face: how to navigate workplace conflicts with your boss
Avoiding conflict in the workplace can be detrimental to your mental health, motivation and relationships. As we mentioned in our article on Finding Peace with Conflict, “it’s unrealistic to think that we won’t clash with our colleagues at some point. Engaging in a healthy conflict allows you to protect what is important to you, focus on what you have control over, and foster stronger relationships, and passionate conversations''.
However, conflict resolution isn’t always a smooth process. A conflict can turn from healthy to unhealthy at the drop of a hat. Typically, this can be attributed to the participants exhibiting one or more of the Four Horsemen of Conflict Resolution. As a refresher, the Four Horsemen of Conflict Resolution are:
Criticism: Attacking someone’s core of their character.
Contempt: treating someone with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, calling them names, and using body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing.
Defensiveness: fishing for excuses and playing the innocent victim so that the other person will back off.
Stonewalling: withdrawing from the interaction, shutting down, and no longer responding to the other person.
To close off our series on #healthyconflict in the workplace, we want to tackle one of the hardest conflicts that you can encounter - an unhealthy conflict when there’s a power differentiation. Being in conflict with someone in a leadership position can be difficult. It automatically incites one of our deepest primal responses - fear. Fear of losing your job, fear of continued tension, fear of recognition for all your hard work, fear of isolation from your team. Although it can seem easier to avoid this conflict, we cannot stress enough that shying away has more risks than rewards. Addressing conflict head-on leads to a healthier workplace and in turn, higher motivation and better business results.
Although it may seem intimidating, preparing yourself ahead of these conversations will help you navigate whichever way the conversation goes. If the conversation should take a turn for the worse, following the tips below will help you save face and be strong until the conflict has been resolved.
1. Healthy conflict 101: Go into the discussion with the same approach as if it was your colleague (further details in our Finding Peace with Conflict article).
Act swiftly and state your intentions.
Be clear and direct.
Understand that everyone experiences the same event differently.
Practice active listening.
Aim for mutual understanding.
2. Self-preservation: If throughout the conversation, you start noticing your boss exhibiting one or more of the four horsemen, your first priority is to focus on self-preservation and de-escalation. At this point, the conversation is not headed for mutual understanding which means it is better to circle back at another time. Once they have finished speaking, thank them for their time and ask them if they would be open to taking a break and picking up the conversation when you’ve both had time to reflect on what has just been shared.
3. You are only responsible for yourself: Remember your purpose is to facilitate healthy conflict which will require your boss to be able to achieve a higher degree of self-awareness. You are not responsible for teaching them that lesson or helping them realize their shortfalls.
4. Be kind to yourself: You have just encountered a challenging interaction where harmful things may be said or done. Talk it out with your support network and remember to be kind to yourself. Decompress by doing the things you love to do and connecting with people who care about you.
5. Circle back: You might wish it was over, but there’s still unfinished business to address. When emotions are in check, set up a follow-up meeting with them to close the loop. When you meet, bring awareness of the unhealthy interaction and state your intention of resolving the conflict together. By showing that you’re invested in getting to a place of mutual agreement, hopefully, your boss can reflect on their previous approach to the conversation and be aware of how they show up this time around.
Conflict in the workplace isn’t easy when it is with your peers, let alone with someone who has a power over you. However, if there’s unresolved conflict with someone in power, it can weigh over us and ultimately lead to lack of motivation and happiness at work. Addressing conflict head on is always the solution no matter who it is with. Approaching the conflict with a plan in place to ensure it stays healthy and productive, while also being prepared if it takes a turn, helps set you up for success no matter who you need to resolve an issue with.